


Deadpool The Musical Fanfiction

by JamiJR



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types
Genre: Deadpool Musicial, Other, bad fanfiction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-12
Updated: 2019-03-12
Packaged: 2019-11-16 01:23:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18084713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JamiJR/pseuds/JamiJR
Summary: I really love the Deadpool Musicals on YouTube. I had an idea for a song based on Once Upon A Dream because of it. I ended up writing a really bad fanfiction just around that one idea. I hope people are entertained anyway even though I'm NOT good at writing lyrics. I'm a singer, not a composer.





	Deadpool The Musical Fanfiction

Deadpool The Musical Fanfiction

By Jami JoAnne Russell - call her “JJ” and you will die. 

(We open on Deadpool, as per usual, fighting a room full of stock bad guys, it seems both Hydra and AIM have teamed up. In the middle of the room is a large metal box, heavily chained, it’s thumping as if something inside is desperately trying to get out. Deadpool is singing to the tune from You’ve Got A Friend In Me.)

Deadpool: “You’re all dead you see.  
You’re all dead yes sir-ee!  
When my blades cut off your head  
And you’re blood is flowing red  
You just remember Deadpool said  
You’re all dead, mes ami!  
Yes you’re all dead, toot-sweet!”

(An AIM agent is coming up behind Deadpool with a really nasty looking weapon when suddenly something smashes them in the head and they fall down, standing there with a big iron pipe is Hydra Bob.)

Deadpool: (Not singing) “Bob! Baby, what are you doing here?”

Hydra Bob: “Do you know how expensive braces are? I need the dental plan. But I couldn’t let them try to hurt my bestest buddy Deadpool.”

Deadpool: “Oh Bob!”

Both singing together: “We’ll make you dead, you see.  
Dead as dead can be.” 

Deadpool: “I’ll stick swords in your eyes, and you’ll die!”

Bob: “And I’ll be just behind, while you get the bad guys.”

Both: “Cause you’ll be dead, you see.  
Your blood all over me.”

(Before they can go on with the song even MORE faceless goons rush in. It seems our anti-heroes are about to be overwhelmed when suddenly a door crashes open. It’s three of the members of The Great Lake Avengers! Big Bertha, Squirrel Girl, and of course Mr. Tippy Toes.)

(To the tune Once Upon A Dream.)

Big Bertha: (As she bumps bad guys out of the way, we can see hearts coming off of Deadpool as she comes by.) “Coming through!  
Big Bertha is here upon the scene!”

Squirrel Girl: (Punching bad guys across the room.) “Golly Wade,  
You’ve gone on a big killing spree!”

Deadpool: “Did you know Doreen once kicked Thanos’ purple ass?!” (A box pops up in the corner of the screen confirming this fact. Squirrel Girl is actually the most powerful character in Marvel Comics.)

All 4: “So if we were you,  
You know what we’d do?  
We’d take off at once.”

Deadpool: (to Bertha, lustfully) “Hey how ‘bout some lunch?” (A box pops up confirming Deadpool is a chubby chaser as seen in a Great Lakes Avengers comic.)

All 4: “Before we make you scream!”

(The surviving bad guys get the idea, especially when Mr. Tippy Toes starts biting them. Screaming about rabies, they all run off. The box is still thumping and now you can hear muffled screams and shouts.)

Deadpool: (examining the heavy duty metal box with it’s thick chains) “Seems a bit of an overkill. I wonder who they have in here? The Orange One’s ego?”

Squirrel Girl: “Allow me.” (She easily breaks the lock - remember, she is the strongest of all Marvel’s characters and has single handedly beaten Thanos and Glacatus.) 

Hydra Bob: “Wade, I really wouldn’t open that.”

Deadpool: “Ooo. Saying that just makes me want to open it even more!” (Then to Big Bertha) “Though I’d love to see you open it even more. Watching all your luscious flesh rippling with effort makes me all tingly in my pants.”

Big Bertha: (Mumbles) “Fucking chubby chasers, all the same.”

(Deadpool tries to throw open the cover but it suddenly explodes upwards and to the side, away from our heroes. A vampire jumps out, grabbing Deadpool and biting him, then suddenly pushes him away, coughing violently and throwing up.)

Vampire: “Your blood tastes terrible! What’s wrong with you?!”

Deadpool: “Oh just a lovely little mixture of cancer, illegal human experimentation, and essence of Wolverine.”

(The vampire, semi-recovered, tries to go for Big Bertha, but Squirrel Girl catches the vampire by the back of the neck and easily holds them at bay.)

Squirrel Girl: “No biting! Now why were you in that box?”

Vampire: “How the fuck should I know? One minute I was sleeping, the next these masked idiots were trapping me in there.”

(Everyone looks at Hydra Bob.)

Hydra Bob: (shrugs) “I don’t know. I’m just a grunt. I don’t even know why we’re teamed up with AIM. Just that Red Skull and MODOK suddenly want to work together.

(The vampire, while Squirrel Girl is distracted, manages to slip her grasp and goes after Bertha again. Mid leap, however, a silver tipped arrow pierces their heart from the back and they crumble to dust. Pan to see Blade and Hawkeye standing on the other side of the room.)

Deadpool: (jumping for joy) “It’s Wesley Snipes and Merida!”

Blade: “Shut up, Wade.” 

Deadpool: “I’m shutting up. I’m very good at shutting up. I’m the best at shutting up. I’m so very, very good at shutting up.”

Big Bertha: (clamps her hand over Deadpool’s mouth, but you can hear muffled “Oh, kinky!” from him.) “So do you two know what this is about?”

Squirrel Girl: “And what are you doing here, Hawkeye?”

Blade: “I just know Hydra and AIM are kidnaping bloodsuckers, I don’t know why but it can’t be for anything good.” 

Hawkeye: “And I’m here because Blade needed someone to watch his back who can kill vampires from a distance. I even got some silver arrows.” (Hawkeye pulls out a silver arrow, looking at it the way Wade looks at Spider-man or Big Bertha’s ass.)

Hawkeye: (To Ma Belle Evangeline)  
“My silver arrows so fine.  
See how lovely they shine.”

(Deadpool manages to slip away from Big Bertha, gets behind Hawkeye and takes out his hearing aids, stopping the solo. When Hawkeye turns to look at him Deadpool lifts his mask up enough so Hawkeye can read his lips.)

Deadpool: “I’m the only one who gets solos here, Katniss!”

Big Bertha: “Deadpool, give Hawkeye his hearing aids back!”

Deadpool: “What’ll you give me if I do, sweetcheeks?”

(Mr. Tippy Toes suddenly climbs up Deadpool, snatches the hearing aids, then jumps over to Hawkeye to give them back.)

Hawkeye: “Jerk.”

Blade: (reluctantly) “I could use more partners on this.”

Deadpool: “Say no more, tall, dark, and stoic. My team and I would be happy to help.”

Squirrel Girl: “We’re not a team, Wade.”

Blade: “I meant Squirrel Girl, Big Bertha, and Mr. Tippy Toes. You and Bob stay out of this.”

Deadpool: “Gee, someone’s grumpy since tangling with the IRS.”

>>>>>>

(Cut to Deadpool’s apartment. Al and Hydra Bob are sitting on the couch. Deadpool is pacing back and forth.)

Deadpool: (To Not In Nottingham)  
“Every team  
Screams the same damn thing.  
Always “NO!”  
Never, ever “YES!”  
Always “Not you, Deadpool!”“

(Record scratch, the song abruptly ends.)

Deadpool: “Wait a minute. This parody sucks. Excuse me.” (Deadpool swings his katana at one of the walls, making a tear in time and space.)

Blind Al: “There he goes, breaking the fourth wall again. Whiskey?”

Hydra Bob: “Sure.” (He holds out his teacup, unthinking, Al pours a perfect shot without even turning her head.) “I thought your thing was always missing.”

Blind Al: “I’m blind, not stupid. I just pretend I have imperfect aim to make Wade laugh.”

Hydra Bob: “You’re a good person, Al.”

Blind Al: “Fuck you, Bob.”

>>>>>>>

(We cut to the author of this pathetic work’s bedroom. It’s messy but not filthy, however it is a bit - hoarderish. On the walls are lots of different paintings and posters, a couple of Thomas Kinkade prints, one poster of Mickey Mouse painting a globe, a Haunted Mansion themed painting, 8x10s of Elvis Presley, Buddy Holly, Gene Kelly, Glenn Miller, and Michael Crawford, a Rat Pack poster, Data from Star Trek: The Next Generation, a recreation of the movie poster for the silent version of The Phantom Of The Opera, an 8x10 of Lon Chaney as the Phantom, and lots of Barry Manilow posters in varying sizes. A little black and silver poodle-terrier mix wearing a red collar and a camo shirt with pink trim & the words “Born to hunt” on it begins to paw at Wade who has just entered the bedroom demanding he pet her. He puts away his sword and picks her up, rubbing her head as she licks his mask.)

(In front of a laptop on a crowded desk is a fat middle aged woman with curly bottle blonde hair that needs a touch up as 1/4th of her mousy brown roots have started to show. She turns, revealing she’s wearing a faded black shirt that has Deadpool astride a unicorn in space shouting “Maximum effort!”, around him is a rainbow, flying tacos, and flying chimichangas.)

Jami: (turning her chair to face Deadpool) “Damn it, Wade! I know breaking the fourth wall is your shtick but this is a bit over the top, don’t you think?!”

Deadpool: “Hey, you’re the one who wrote this scene.”

Jami: (sighing, behind her you can hear the clatter of keys, the scene now seems to be writing itself, actually.) “Yeah, well, we both know I’m not a good writer and I needed to think of a good fourth wall break besides the Wesley Snipes thing when Blade came in.”

Deadpool: (He sits on Jami’s bed, putting the dog, who’s name is Molly Weasley, by the way, next to him as he continues to rub her ears firmly but gently, she’s really into it.) “If you hate your own writing so much why did you start this fanfiction?”

Jami: “Because I REALLY love the Deadpool Musicals on YouTube, but I’m kind of sad that while they used songs from one of my all time favorite Disney movies in the second one - Mulan - they haven’t used anything from Sleeping Beauty and The Princess And The Frog yet. Besides, I really wanted to find a way to bring in Squirrel Girl, Big Bertha, and Blade. Hell, if I could figure out where to put him, I’d bring in Northstar too. If only because there’s morons who say he doesn’t count as an openly gay Marvel character simply because they haven’t used him in a movie.” 

Deadpool: “WHAT?! People say that?! Northstar TOTALLY counts.”

Jami: “It’s even worse when I try to bring up the fact Fox totally straightwashed Mystique. If I dare point out that she’s canonly bisexual and even has a wife, some people will accuse me of being a homophobe who just wants to see two women together for masturbation material. Meanwhile they’re harassing real life gay men into kissing in public just because they want to see, and I quote, “Real life yaoi.” Fucking hypocrites. I’m asexual anyway, I just want Mystique to be shown as the shapeshifting bisexual she is!”

Deadpool: (Seems to take this in for a moment.) “Did anyone ever tell you you talk too much?”

Jami: (her lips grow thin with anger) “Watch it, Wade, or I will write a Deadpool/Condorman crossover scene and I’ll give Michael Crawford a power ballad solo!”

(An info box pops up in the corner, it reads “Condorman: A live action Disney flick from 1985 starring Michael Crawford as a comic book writer/artist who helps a sexy Russian spy defect.” The box doesn’t go away. It just hangs around.)

Deadpool: “You wouldn’t.”

Jami: “I would. And you know what? I think instead of a Disney number, I’ll make it a Barry Manilow one.” 

Deadpool: “Now you’re just turning me on, large and lovely.”

Jami: “Wade....”

Deadpool: (suddenly contrite) “Oops, sorry, asexual, I forgot, please forgive me.” (Because despite what fake fanboys think, Wade DOES respect one’s sexuality.) “So, what’s....” (Wade now notices the fact box about Condorman is still there. He pushes it off the screen.) “....the plan?”

Jami: (Not wanting to give anything away to anyone reading this, she comes up and whispers in Wade’s ear.)

Deadpool: “Oooooo - It’s a good thing this is just badly written fanfiction. The real Deadpool musical folks wouldn’t have the budget for that!”

Jami: (To the tune almost there)  
(Spoken) “Wade, I have to get back to writing.”  
(Singing - she’s got a lovely mezzo soprano voice and could be America’s Susan Boyle if the music industry wasn’t so ageist and sizest! Fat people over 30 CAN sell albums too, record companies!) “You need to get back to the story.  
My parody skills just aren’t that good.  
I sing, not compose.  
Would you stop doing that pose?”

(Cut to Deadpool laying across the bed like he’s a Playboy model, though Molly Weasley is kind of killing the vibe by begging Wade for belly rubs, he’s obliging.)  
Jami: “I’m sorry I started this story  
But you now know where it’s going, so leave.  
I can’t think of a rhyme for leave, except sleeve.” 

>>>>>

(We now cut back to the Deadpool Musical-verse, we’re in a big building where there are vampires in strange contraptions, each has a tube down their throat that’s obviously pumping blood directly into their stomach, there’s also needles with tubes attached in the neck of each to draw out their own vampire blood, this is all going into big vats. Above on a large platform is the Red Skull, MODOK, and now Kingpin. It seems that they have persuaded The Hand to join in on their vampire kidnaping/blood milking plan.)

(There is a big battle going on on the floor below. Blade has now increased his team to include Spider-man, Morbius The Living Vampire, Ghost Rider, Daimon Hellstrom, Brother VooDoo, Daredevil, Jessica Jones, Luke Cage, and Iron Fist. Somewhat off screen because there’s not enough budget for them all is pretty much all the X-Men and Avengers, and even The Brotherhood Of Evil Mutants. We just get glimpses of them or at least see the things they’re doing like when a large iron bar flies through the air taking down bad guys. In other words, that’s Magneto.) 

Our Heroes: (Singing)  
“And it’s almost done.  
It’s almost done.”

Jami: (voice over from her universe)  
“I was crazy to start writing  
but I can’t stop.”

Deadpool: (entering suddenly through a rip in time and space, katanas already swinging as he cuts down faceless bad guys left and right. Singing.) “Tons of bad fanfiction  
Had more than my share  
but Jami can't just stop writing it now  
Cause she's almost done  
I never even got a solo”

Deadpool’s 4th wall break voice: (Speaking) “She tried to give you one and you entered her universe instead!”

Blade: (Killing not just the faceless bad guys but the captive vampires too.) “Deadpool you're a stupid fool  
but you're in time to help us  
It all depends on you.”

Hawkeye: “I love my lovely sweet silver arrows, Blade!  
Arrows that are very well made!”

Deadpool: (stabbing a bad guy through the back) “My sword coming through!  
Bea and Arthur coming for you!”

Heroes: “And it’s almost done!  
It’s almost done!  
Blood coming from everywhere!”

Jami: (Voice over) “And I’m almost done!”

Heroes: “We’re almost done!  
This fanfiction sure isn't well done!”

Jami: (Voice over) “Yes I just rhymed done with done!”

Deadpool: (Now near our 3 lead baddies.) “I know the ending to this tale, my fine friends!  
And we're getting there!”

All: “And we’re almost done!  
We’re almost done!  
Yes, almost done!”

(Big flourish, every faceless bad guy is either dead or severely injured, all the vampires have been killed. Deadpool, as well as Blade and his team now surround our three main baddies so they can’t escape. We can’t see but we can hear the other heroes down below.)

Hawkeye: “Okay, since when do the three of you team up?”

Deadpool: “Please, allow me. You see, my sweet purple draped Legolas, this is not the Red Skull, MODOK, nor Kingpin!”

(Like Shaggy in Scoobydoo, Deadpool pulls off the fake Red Skull’s mask, revealing -)

Everyone: (gasping) “Andrew Wakefield?!” 

(Deadpool now uses his swords to cut off what is really a bad inflatable MODOK costume.)

Everyone: (gasping louder) “Jenny McCarthy?!”

(And now Deadpool rips off the fake Kingpin mask.)

Everyone: “Bob Sears?!”

Deadpool: “You see, everyone, these three anti-vaxxer wackadoos were impersonating our normal villains to form a massive team of faceless bad guys so they can kidnap vampires, milk them of their blood, use the blood to taint the world’s vaccine supplies, so they could then convince people that vaccines cause vampirism and then use people’s fear to make themselves even richer!”

Andrew Wakefield: “And we would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for you heroes and your meddling merc!”

One Of The Still Living Bad Guys: “Hey, I have an immunocompromised kid, you assholes! Thanks to you three and that scumbag Larry Cook my kid is no longer protected by herd immunity!”

Another Faceless Bad Guy: “My mom barely beat breast cancer only to die of measles because of your lies!”

Yet Still Another Faceless Bad Guy: “Vaccines don’t cause Autism! Autism is genetic, you fuckwads!”

(The surviving faceless bad guys, despite severe injuries, have now made it up to where our heroes are. Realizing what’s happening, everyone moves to the side as members of Hydra, AIM, and The Hand now chase the three anti-vaxx nitwits off screen where we soon hear them screaming and pleading for their pathetic lives as they’re obviously being beaten up.)

Deadpool: (looking off screen) “Oh, a bat studded with rusty nails. Hope they had their TDAP boosters!”

(Cue music as a black screen comes in until we see only Deadpool’s face.)

Deadpool: “Remember, folks, vaccines cause adults and herd immunity is sexy!”

(Circle completes, making for a black screen, cue swelling instrumental music, and the fancy words “The End,” roll credits.)

>>>>>

End Credit Scene

(We see Dracula, king of the vampires, sitting on his throne. Deadpool enters carrying a squirming bundle.)

Deadpool: “Oh Dracy-poo! I brought you a present! The real mastermind being the kidnaping of all your people!”

Dracula: “About fucking time you scar-riddled blabbermouth!”

Deadpool: “Oh Count, you’re such a sweet talker!”

(Deadpool opens the bundle to reveal a bound and gagged Larry Cook. Dracula smiles and comes off his throne, fangs bared.... fade to black.)

The REAL End


End file.
